onecrazymother (onecrazymother) wrote,

seeking my joy

Too much to detail, too much to sum up. Here I am.

If anyone is actually reading this, and is curious about what the heck is going on with my life lately, ask and I shall answer.

In the meantime....

I've been pondering, does having stuff make you want more stuff? Something had been making me insanely want stuff. It was like a landslide. A few weeks ago I emerged emotionally from my quietly productive (and occasionally sad, but it's over now, so I'll just focus on the nicer aspect) winter into the wildness of spring. Then the weather stayed dreary and cold and I just kept being unsettled and started getting greedy with wanting stuff and wanting it now. I have to buy some clothes for an upcoming trip, and I have just started going crazy with wanting to wear lovely clothes all the time,Aand arrange them in the closet, and have categories of clothes, and certain quantities of certain types of things... and then I'm wanting furniture, and linens, and stuff and stuff and stuff. And of course, I don't have money for all that stuff, so I've been spinning my wheels in the mud. Why is this? I mean, I've been living beneath my means for years and years. My example that I give all the time is that buying a pair of socks is a big deal for me. My clothing budget is tiny compared to what anybody but other homeschooling moms seems to find normal, and I pretty much never feel like $8 is spare money. Sometimes I spend money, but it's usually with a lot of thought and planning. And here I am, with a big pay off for this sort of saving. We were able to buy a dream home. Logically, this should reinforce my knowing that being frugal pays off. But I just have been crazy with wanting to spend money.

So I tried to just stop. Just a forceful willful, snap out it girl, sort of stopping all that childishness. And I found myself just shifting to other obsessions, making myself even more miserable. So I talked to 1cmf about all this. He was hanging out in his pj's holding our cat Bramble, and he channeled his inner guru on the mountaintop, and pointed out that the language I was using, about the shopping and wanting stuff, and the other obsessions, was the language of someone drowning, reaching out in desperation. And so, he challenged me, *what* am I drowning in?

I was not ready for that question. I was just unloading to someone I can unload to, and sometimes he'll just quietly listen. But this was one of those questions that rings through the air. What am I drowning in?

After a few minutes I suggested that maybe I'm drowning in chaos and failure. He tossed that back at me, and said I was in judgement. He suggested I be kinder to myself.

This was all more thinking that I wanted to be doing today. Horseboy has been studying Easter for a month, and planning an Easter dinner, and I needed to focus and be on hand for him.

But I spent a little time imagining having what I wanted, and thinking of the joy, and specifically the single-minded joy that I seem to feel some of these things would give me moments of, I and tried to step into and embrace that joy, without feeling like I need the catalyst.

Spring is many faceted.

And centering is always good.
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