onecrazymother (onecrazymother) wrote,

A self assessment, and Gratitude 4

I've been noticing that my attitude has been slipping. The last two years dumped me into crisis mode and I seem to be living in that mode now. Everything's a crisis. When one little thing goes wrong (dinner's late, lost a library book, let a damp sweater get mildewed on the bottom of a laundry pile) I'm reacting to it as though it's just tipped me back over into grief, sorrow, chaos. I want very much to get back to that calm clear place from the family reunion in 2011. That was a vacation. Probably, in the course of my life, one of my favorite vacations ever. It was my parents' 50th anniversary, and there was so much family, and we were staying at a great B&B in a wonderful tourist area... it was just great, and in my memory I almost can't even remember that the weather was imperfect.

But now, I'm having trouble with just being at "normal". I'm caught up in my own drama, I'm too often tired, I'm seeing so much as a big deal, and then I'm getting caught up in others' drama too. Some of the people very close to me are having long hard times right now -- job loss, home loss, worries of that magnitude. Me personally, in my little sphere, just my household, we're actually doing ok. We all need some TLC on a daily basis, but that's normal.

My kids have fights with each other, don't always do what I want them to do, get bored, make less than idyllic decisions about what to eat and how to spend their day... and it's my job as Mom, to use some method or other to try to steer them correctly, and also to trust the process of unfoldment.

My dog is currently in "project" stage. She's learning to trust us and feel comfortable here, we're learning what the routines are. We're working on training. So the dog is harder to take care of right now than she's likely to be next year. But that's not a crisis, or a disaster, or a tragedy. It's not even a problem. It's just a project.

I've been snarky lately. I notice this most when talking w/ my husband, but that may be just because that's who I'm talking with most. I used to hang out with a particular NJ friend, with whom I would always immediately notice if I started saying anything rude about anyone else. She would just get this look, and I would realize, oh, I just put down someone, I don't mean to be doing that. Now I'm getting that with everyone. Which means it's me.

And then yesterday, I completely borrowed someone else's drama. Someone I know had a particularly awful day. A very sad thing happened in their lives. It made me sad to hear about it, and I wanted to fix it. I could almost think of how to be helpful, and I made a basic offer to help, but she didn't take me up on it. So I just remained sad all day wishing I could help, and telling my household about it, as though we needed to do something, but there wasn't really anything to do. I don't actually know where the line is between sharing news and creating drama.

So I'm exploring less drama, and less snarkiness. That's not me. I don't want to become that.

I'm grateful for my eyes. I enjoy seeing green growing things, my children's smiles, flowers, and where I left my coffee cup.

I'm grateful for the floor in my house. It's comfortable and even and supportive, and springy enough to dance on.

I'm grateful for the four agreements, and for people who point me back at them from time to time. I enjoy doing my best, not taking things personally, being impeccable with my word, and not making assumptions. This is a path to more joy.

I'm grateful for yarn. Functional, soft, pretty, wide variety of types and uses. I'm taking a moment to imagine life without yarn, and there would be a large gaping hole, and no way to knit it shut.

I'm grateful for an abundance of books. I have access to more books than I could ever possibly read. Navigating the loosely formed library of all the books available to me (those in my home, those in libraries I can visit and/or borrow from, those available on line or for purchase...) I can find all manner of information, amusement and guidance.

I'm grateful for my mother. She's kind and smart and loves me. She's alive and well and I can visit her and she visits me. She's interested in what I do, without being bossy about what I should do. She loves my kids, accepts my homeschooling, and cooks for us. She takes good care of herself and seeks joy. For all this, may I be truly grateful.
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