So I mentioned this to a friend of mine, hoping for sympathy, but what I got instead, was well, yes, you do need to do that, and to some extent you do know how to do that, and to the extent that you don't, there's training available. He was thinking of EMT type training, but I've had other sorts as well. Massage therapy, some of the clan work at Twilight Covening, and other places too, I'm sure.
So, grump. Now I'm seeking some sort of balance between feeling responsible for everyone's mood, which I shouldn't be, and owning/using my own actual power, to keep being the useful member of the household, which I can be.
One of my themes this fall is seeking balance, and within that frame, one of the aspects is trying to understand what's the right way for me to be the mother of adolescents. I can go my own way more now, without immediate major consequences, and I'm rebounding a little from the years of having toddlers who could easily meet their death with my moment's inattention. But they do need me, particularly as we are homeschoolers.
But I don't have a good internal model for what this should look like. My own parents were relatively hands-off when I was this age. I got into problems that my kids aren't getting into --- but they may be getting into problems that I didn't get into. And, they don't have the pseudo-parent of public school.
So, balance, and continued responsible behaviour, for at least another decade or so. That's a lot to ponder.