Somehow, I thought this would be gentle on me, to take this time out, and tuck in some loose ends, and embrace my feminine a little more fully.
Yeah, and then I registered.
All four clans that I had registered for, started immediately swirling around me. Seal - dreams: I had some intense interactions both in dreams and in waking processing of dreams, and also with The Dreamer (key, on the Tree of Enchantment). Lynx - knowing when to act and when to wait: finding decisions and choices sparkling at me from all sides. And phoenix, the rebirthing: This one, merged right into the Caribou work. And I found rage and memory waiting for me to meet them at the table.
I don't think I've ever before done such shadow work. I released a dozen blocks into the releasing fire, released anger and questioning, released the "Why?!?" and the rage. I found not only love and more forgiveness, but answers to the questions, when I had let go of needing the answers.
And I dove right into my own childhood. I guised as myself, repeating adolescence all in one weekend. I swung on a spider web of light, into an abyss of shadows, and of shadows within shadows. I went on vision quest to the stronghold, and received instruction, as I might have received 30 years ago. I was my own ancestor, giving the strength of the now, into the then, and the strength of the then, into the now.
And I learned some shit. And here's some of it that needs sharing:
I have done so much work over the years, on healing my wounds. On forgiving, on overcoming, on reaching for love and joy. And when I've been sad over the wounds, and felt broken, people have reached out to me, and told me how beautiful I am, and I've seen it, and I've seen how the wounds and the healing changed and shaped me in glorious ways.
But. But this: I have discovered that I made a mistake, and began to think that my wounds *improved* me. And no, they didn't. They didn't make me better, they didn't make the universe better. As absolutely true as it is, that they didn't damage me and make me irretrievably broken and somehow less valuable, worthy, precious --- they also didn't take some boring blah person and make her sexy, interesting, powerful. The universe did not need me as a virgin sacrifice. If my life had been different, and I had never been broken, my gorgeous wholeness would have shined with every bit as much brilliance as this beautifully twisted tree that I now am.
And when I was down in that pit, finding that truth, I was surrounded by the demons of my past. And one of my Caribou sisters asked me the best question. "What was your intention when you came into this rabbit hole?" My intention? To be an even better mother. I did this for my kids, and for all the kids who I come into contact with, because I need to know to my core, that all that bullcrap does not build character and make us better people. Yeah, it doesn't break us. We're stronger than that. It changes us and brings forth something different, but a smoother path is also brilliant.
And the power I have known in rage, can be known in love, and community. Beautiful, strong, all paths beautiful, and shining divinely.